Grayce

Dear Reader,

            Does today have you feeling a little less than? A little forgotten? A little pushed back?
Today are you going back to old habits and fears, crawling back under the covers of adolescence, refusing to look at the broccoli, let alone eat it?
            Been there.
            Done that.
            Still there. Still doing that.

            We all have those moments of icky.

            Those moments where nothing seems to work and the only option is to let out an ear piercing scream that shatters the windows? Yes. Those moments are horrible

            I like to just write those moments off to anxiety or panic...but I think also we need to chase after the quiet, you know?

            Chase after the quiet, chase after the moments of pause. The Bible says plenty about those days.

            Hebrews 13:6 is one of my favorite verses saying “So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'” That is God's way of responding to anxiety. It can often feel like people from the outside world are attacking the calm you have worked so hard to cultivate.

            And then Hebrews 13:6 emphasizes, “what can man do to me?” and I want to shout it as a battle cry. A taunt against whatever gets in the way of my Joy and my Calm.
            Today, can we remember to breathe?
            Today, can we remember to be still?
            And when something comes along that knocks the wind out of our sails then maybe…. just maybe….we don’t scream. We don’t panic. Maybe we hold on to the Father and let him calm our storms.
Today, let’s be still...

            Because we are loved and cherished by the Father. I'm excited about 2019. And I know that this year will be a year where I learn more about being still.

Carol:

               We know that abuse can cause physical and mental problems. What is wonderful is that God can heal those things, too! Two years after writing this, Grayce is still happily walking with Jesus (and her husband).

Grayce:
            I have a stutter. On any given day t-t-t-h-i-s is h—hh---how I talk. Like somehow I am a DVD with a scratch in it. M—mmmy word-d-s-s stick annddd are ovvver pronounced. TTT—HHE firstttt time my Father hit me I wa—ss five. Sometimes he would taunt me as I begged. Like somehow he was surprised I was crying. When I was ten, he fffirrst raped me. He would sing me Disney songs. How does that hhhellppp me? When I was fourteen he stopped. My breasts were getting in the way. I starrttted to bind them using ace bandages. I didn't want anyone else to see. W—www—hen I was 18, I was called a dyke. I hid behind baggy sweaters and long hair. If no one saw me they wouldn't hurt me. But as grandmothers tend to do, mine got a bit worried and talked to me. And she found out what had happened. And she made me go to church. Do you know what a white hot hurt that was? Like searing flesh under an iron. Suddenly everyone saw. They would walk by with sorrowful eyes and downcast faces. Not knowing what to say made the silences worse. So at the moment, weed seemed like a good idea. And then, all of the sudden, I didn't stutter. But I certainly slurred. Andmaybethatwasn't better.
            So I stopped, and started drinking. In my mind I just didn't want to know and I didn't want to feel. And then I went to the laundromat. And I met Fred.
            Fred, you see, was a blind guy around my age. And he would listen to the Bible while folding his neon orange underwear, which I thought was weird. Why did he have orange underwear if he couldn't even see it?
So Fred started to get to know me, and he talked about Jesus. But I found if I was hungover, it was harder to listen to Fred. And you see, guys… well Fred was hot. Like super hot. So I stopped drinking and I listened to Fred tell me about Jesus.
            And I look at it now and I laugh, because, well, you see, I was falling in love with Jesus while I was falling in love with Fred.
            And it was like all of the sudden I didn't feel ashamed. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted him to know all of it, no matter how gross and gnarly, I needed him to know about all of that. But do you know what Fred said? “It doesn't matter” do you know the rainbow and starshine that came from that? I think I walked on a cloud for a straight month. Sometimes I still stutter when I am tired or stressed. I think my brain was so used to it, that it won't un-learn it. But for the most part it’s gone. And I am marrying Fred. Which is pretty great. I don't see my dad anymore and that’s okay. My relationship with my mom is pretty good though. And she just started going to church with me. I can't complain about that. But now? I know that I am not shameful. That I am not dirty and that took a bit to learn. But with Jesus, I learned it. And so can anyone.