Natalie (Part 3 of The Trilogy)

            

Natalie:                

                It all started when I was 18 years old, I had just started college and I was scared, nervous and completely unaware of life. I had been raised incredibly conservative and very sheltered.  When an older and more mature man approached me I had no idea what to do and all I knew was that he was paying attention to me and that felt really good. He was confident and I was not. I was awkward and he was suave. He was everything I had ever wanted. And I just felt like a small and worthless girl. And he made me feel desirable and worthwhile. He made me feel pretty.

               So when he became abusive, when he started asking me to lie to my parents, his opinions and ways of doing things got increasingly disturbing. I tried to leave, he raped me. I tried to get out, he broke my nose. We would continue on for nearly a decade in this pattern. I would have a sudden burst of energy and want to leave and then all of the sudden everything was fine and he was loving me again. I got pregnant when I was 19 years old and he was so excited, he kept saying that now he had a reason to keep me and that now I couldn’t argue that I belonged to him and that I was his. He had ownership because he was now a Father. I wanted a way out and I wanted an abortion. He was livid and beat me up pretty badly and I lost the baby anyway. I was able to be done. Not soon after he was arrested for other things and I felt like my nightmare was over.

               But it wasn’t, for years I suffered through horrific nightmares reliving every single rape, every single beating, over and over again. I was terrified to talk to anyone and I on purposely stopped taking medicine to help with a hormone problem. I wanted to make myself so gross and ugly that no one would ever want to have sex with me ever again. Because I didn’t want anyone to see me. I hated God for letting it happen, I hated my parents for not seeing that something was going on and most of all?? Most of all I hated me. I hated that I had let these things happen and I blamed myself for all of it.

And I was terrified that a man would do that again to me.

               So for 5 years I kept silent, I never told anyone and I hid. I hid from my friends, I hid from my family, and I hid from God. Or so I thought. In reality, God saw me. And he was waiting. At first the progress was slow, I would be a bit gentler, I let someone hug me, I smiled. But every gain I had, there was a huge setback. Every time I felt safe, I would have a huge nightmare. It was never enough, I never felt at peace enough to actually say something. I finally tried to be open and honest with people in my church family and they shunned me because I hadn’t said something sooner. When I was vulnerable they judged me and I was pretty sure I was never going to do it again. I became depressed and lonely and angry. In reality all my anger from my past, all my fear and all of my shame suddenly came to the forefront and it was like a volcano. I was invited to go to church with friends and the people in this church loved me and continued to love me.. God healed me through these peoples love. I was angry and withdrawn and I kept putting up walls and they kept loving me.  It didn’t seem to matter if I was rude or not. They still loved me. I walked through all the pain of my past with them. We first attacked anger, and then shame, grief and finally fear. Every single thing that had held me back and that Satan was holding me with they helped me break off in the name of Jesus. When I had been scared to be vulnerable I was now being open. I was no longer a child of darkness but I was now a child of light. I was healing.

                This church family had also introduced me to a charming and sweet man of God named who I quickly fell in love with. Every single pain from the past he met with love and acceptance. God is continuing to use him and his friendship to help me heal and to help me grow. I am remembering what it feels like to be loved, what it feels like to be a woman.

               I am overjoyed at what God can do with a changed life. I am confident that God doesn’t waste anything. And I look at the past year and I can say that with confidence. I am who I am because of what I have been through. But I also am who I am because of what God has done in me. And because of the people that God has placed in my life.